This article was originally posted on October 29, 2010, to Happy Parents = Happy Kids (focusedonparenting.wordpress.com) by Susan Guttridge You do not need to be religious to have a philosophy guiding your life. However, when times get tough, it sure is helpful if you have a belief system to hang on to – to sustain you through difficulties. My absolute favourite personal philosophy for life comes from the author Don Miguel Ruiz, in his book The Four Agreements. It is a short read and my emotional outlook has improved significantly since I adopted it. By following it, I find myself better able to focus on the positive, to catch myself when negative self-talk tries to take hold, and am better able to behave in a way that is congruent with how I feel and with what I believe.
Don Miguel Ruiz proposes the following Four Agreements as a philosophy for living: Be impeccable with your word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. Don’t take anything personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering. Don’t make assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. Always do your best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret. As a parent I am continually reminding myself not to take things personally, and to be impeccable with my word. For me, this means that I don’t need to “own” my children’s issues: if my daughter is having a bad day, then she is having a bad day! It is not a reflection of anything I have done and I will not spend hours wondering what I could have done differently in order for her to have been in better spirits! I will certainly be available to her should she want to talk about it, and I will maintain an up-beat attitude around her. All too often, parents do take the behaviours of their children personally. If a child is not listening, this can be interpreted as a sign of disrespect. Once the thought pops into your head that your child is disrespecting you, negative thoughts automatically flood through and before you know it, you are probably thinking angry thoughts about your child or about yourself as a parent. These angry automatic thoughts often are not grounded in reality and can serve only to bring forth negative emotion. Remember, just as you have your own agenda (you may need your child to listen because you have made dinner and she needs to come to the table), your child also has her own agenda (she may be in the middle of an activity and wants a moment to finish it up). Keeping these agreements as the philosophy guiding your life can help you keep the situation in perspective – it can help you remain objective and calm by not reading more into a situation than is necessary. Take some time to determine for yourself what the best guiding philosophy is for your life – then stick with it and see what happens! Reference: The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz (1997). http://www.miguelruiz.com/
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This article was originally posted on October 29, 2010, to Happy Parents = Happy Kids (focusedonparenting.wordpress.com) by Susan Guttridge
However, if you are in the habit of caring for your children, your partner, pets, etc. at the complete expense of caring for yourself, you will come to identify yourself solely by this caregiving role. Doing so puts you at risk of losing sight of your own individuality. Making yourself a priority, treating yourself kindly, nurturing yourself as well as the others in your life, is crucial to maintaining balance. It can also sustain you during stressful times, buffer against feelings of anxiety, and aid in the development of self-love. Everyone has time to care for themselves throughout the day: we just tend to use that time for other things. And the truth is, it doesn’t have to take a great deal of time. For example, your plan to care for yourself may involve choosing to speak kindly to yourself (to be less critical with your self-talk). This process could involve enhancing self-awareness, which would enable you to start catching yourself when self-talk becomes critical, and then replace it with something kinder. Such a process wouldn’t necessarily take time out of your day, just a shift in your thinking process! Read and work through the steps outlined below, and make a plan to build some self-care into your week. Part 1: Identify
In your journal, or on a piece of paper if you do not use a journal, write the title “What does it mean to love myself?”. Then, divide the page into 2 columns, with “Behaviour” on one side, and “Thoughts/Beliefs” on the other side. Take a moment to think about what it means to truly care for yourself. Once you have an idea of what this looks like for you, put your ideas on the paper, in the appropriate columns. For example, on the behaviour side, you might include things like: eating right, allowing yourself enough sleep, calling friends, reaching out for help when necessary, relaxing regularly (perhaps with a bath, meditation, yoga, reading, etc.), exercising, going for walks, gardening, limiting stress in your life, having strong boundaries with difficult people in your life, and so forth. Examples of thoughts/beliefs are: using positive affirmations, saying kind things to yourself such as “I can do this”, “I can learn to do that” (rather than “I’m such an idiot”), “I can handle my anger”, “I’m currently struggling with this because I am new at it” (rather than “I can’t do this”), “I have the power to take charge of my life”. Part 2: Plan Now that you have identified the ways in which you can care for yourself, take steps to incorporate loving yourself into your daily life. Review your list, and select the items on it that you identify the most with – the ones that really stand out for you. With these you will create a plan to incorporate them into your life: write down all the details necessary to carry out your plan during the following week. For example, if you want to eat better, you could review a recipe book, make a menu plan for the following days, and a grocery list of necessary food items. Or, if you commit to going for walks, but it is wintertime and you don’t own a pair of winter books, make a plan to purchase winter boots. When you are creating your plan, think of anything that could get in the way of carrying out your plan, and then deal with it. Identifying the obstacles ahead of time is important and will enable you to better change your routine in your desired ways. Start small. Be realistic. Once your plan has been created – start living it! Reference: Yes You Can! 16 Steps for Discovery & Empowerment, by Charlotte Kasl (1995) This article was originally posted on October 20, 2010, to Happy Parents = Happy Kids (focusedonparenting.wordpress.com) by Susan Guttridge The strategy I’d like to share with you here is helpful for shifting out of strong emotion. It is considered a “grounding strategy”. Being ‘grounded’ simply refers to the notion of being emotionally and mentally present in the here and now. Known as 5-4-3-2-1, the underlying technique here originates from trauma therapy. It is used to help individuals be present in the moment: it can slow racing thoughts, stop flashbacks, minimize addictive cravings, ease ruminating, and lessen anxiety. And, it is incredibly easy to learn and apply. If you catch yourself and your child/teen arguing and the situation seems to only be escalating, excuse yourself for a few minutes (just say you need a few minutes to calm down), and use this technique to ground yourself so that you can return to the present situation. In your mind (or out loud if you are alone), focus on the following things in great detail:
This grounding strategy can help you to shift your focus away from internal, emotional experiencing, to external distraction (the trick is to get out of your head and into the present moment!). Focus on external details as you talk through the sequence. Notice your breathing will slow from when you first begin the strategy to the time you complete it. Allow the the full cycle (from 5 down to 1) to take a few minutes; take your time and truly allow yourself to be distracted from your inner chatter. Try this strategy if you find that you are feeling over-whelmed, emotionally flooded, or even just very spacey and not able to focus. Once you complete the cycle, check in with your inner processing and try again to resolve the situation with your child/teen. Try the Guided Practice: Anchor out of Anxiety (5-4-3-2-1)
This article was originally posted October 20, 2010, to Happy Parents = Happy Kids (focusedonparenting.wordpress.com) by Susan Guttridge When I wake up in the morning, I often feel eager to start the day! I want to have a coffee, get showered and dressed, get the kids off to school, and sink in to my office chair. Just in that order. However, my children often have their own agendas. They have not been jaded by the fast pace of today’s society and don’t feel the need to rush everywhere all at once. Their mornings start slowly: they sit down to eat and play and giggle. They lay on the floor while deciding what shoes to wear. They are distracted by our pets, which they have to cuddle every time they see! And all of this typically happens while I stand at the door, coffee in hand and shoes on my feet, trying to herd them out the door. And in that moment of their playful abandon, indecisiveness, or love for animals – my mind is miles away. Mindfulness is about being in the present moment, with an open heart and a curious mind. It is about focusing away from judgment to just being present. Imagine how different that morning interaction would be if we parents were to slow down, and be present with our kids in the moment. When I feel rushed in the morning, I risk my thoughts becoming negative. I might fall into the trap of accusing my children of always being slow, of never being ready on time, of never respecting my need to get to work. And the result will only be a spiral of negative thoughts in my own mind. When our thoughts turn negative, it can turn in to angry behaviour (an angry tone, nagging, deep sighs, etc.) – the result of which will be our precious children going off to school discouraged. And inevitably, the result of children going to school feeling discouraged would serve only to exacerbate a parent’s own negative self-talk spiral with more feelings of shame and guilt. Why not stop all of that before it starts? As a parent, if you are focused on your own agenda, your own need to get things done, it can be very easy to become angry when a dawdling child slows you down! Before you resort to yelling and nagging, read on! Take a moment to get present: notice your breath as you breath and out, and the sensation of your feet on the floor. Now, make a list of all the things you love about your child(ren) or teen(s). What are you proud of them for? What are their attributes that you admire? What things do they do that just make you smile? If you sit down to write your list and you can only think of a few, that is okay. Just leave the paper out where you can add to it. It is fine for the list to always be a work in progress. As new ideas come to you, add them to your list. You may want to take a few days to just start noticing things that you admire about your child/teen prior to sitting down and putting pen to paper. What this list will do is put the things that you love and admire about your child/teen in the forefront of your mind. During moments of frustration, remind yourself of the items on your list. If you and your child/teen constantly argue, make the list together: explain the activity to him or her, share your list as you create it and have your child/teen create his or her own list about you! Understanding the purpose of the activity is very important, so check in with your child to ensure he or she grasps the concept. ![]() This article was originally posted October 20, 2010, to Happy Parents = Happy Kids (focusedonparenting.wordpress.com) by Susan Guttridge In my journey as a counselling professional, right between Employment Counsellor and Trauma Counsellor, I worked as a Family Counsellor. The work was incredibly challenging, as families bring many complex issues to the table. Each individual member has a unique background and personality, in addition to the issue which, as a family, they enter into counselling hoping to solve or diffuse or grow from. I was constantly aware of the incredible struggles families endure, and also the incredible love and commitment to each other. That same commitment to each other was not always healthy, and that love not always enough to truly get to the root of the problem and move forward from it. The best predictor of success was when families were committed to making change work, and each family member was willing to take some degree of responsibility for the part in the change process. From my role as a Family Counsellor, research into family therapy, mindfulness training, and from everyday life with my own family, I began to realize a very important lesson: There are a great many books written and strategies devised (and even television shows!) teaching parents the “best” ways to deal with behaviour concerns and succeed in parenting. But, without the ability to “stick to it”, no matter what strategy or philosophy one adheres to, it will not work. Armed with this knowledge, my work with families shifted focus. I began to assist parents in learning how to stay grounded and in the moment, which ultimately enabled them to carry out their chosen parenting strategy with success. For example, if anger was the typical pattern of parental behaviour that a family wanted to change, and after the family had successfully acquired the appropriate anger management tools, work would focus on assisting the parents to learn strategies to stay grounded and mindful. This enabled them to remain calm when dealing with difficult behaviours in their children, thus enabling them to successfully parent their children without damaging self-esteem etc. by yelling or uttering words in anger. I am not discounting the serious nature of some family problems, individual experiences, or childhood/teenage behaviour issues. What I am saying is that with the right tools in your tool belt, difficulties can seem more manageable. And with the right strategies to stay grounded and in the moment with your child, the more likely you will be to remember to apply those tools appropriately and successfully. And so, these articles grow out of my belief that in order succeed at parenting (raising happy, well-adjusted children), we need to be grounded and in the moment with them. Check out the posted ideas and try them out with your kids. Remember, new skills take time to master, so be patient with yourself as you practice the ideas and do give yourself time to practice them! ![]() A degree of control in our lives can create a sense of security. We also require it in healthy dosages in order to be the autonomous healthy people we strive to be. A degree of control in our parenting is necessary when creating structure, routine, and boundaries in our home and with our children. However, control can also wreck havoc on our interpersonal relationships if it becomes excessive. Before going in to detail, I would like to share a story… In October 2003, while I was residing in Mississauga Ontario, a beautiful 9 year old girl named Cecilia Zhang was abducted from her home during the night – out of her own bedroom window while she and her family slept. I did not know her, and I did not know her family… but I was forever changed by her. At the time, I was pregnant with my first child. Cecilia’s story was covered on all the news channels, and her picture was plastered in every store window in my community. It is a disturbing story that chills me and brings tears to my eyes even now, 9 years later. As my own precious child was growing inside me, completely safe and protected, I desperately longed for Cecilia to be found and returned home. To her parents heartbreaking dismay, she was not. As I watched Cecilia’s investigation unfold, the remaining beliefs I held about the world as a safe place began to crumble. I have worked hard to keep my fears in-check since that moment, so as not to pass them on to my children. But the fears are always there, just beneath the surface. I keep the windows locked at night. I use a home alarm system. I try to get to know parents prior to my children having play-dates. I research daycare providers prior to employing them… But every now and then, when I have had a stressful day at work or some sort of crisis is underfoot, my need for control kicks in to overdrive. I catch myself wanting to tell my kids (and my husband!) what to do. I even start planning it in the car on the way home! And then I realize what I am doing, and I realize that my day has affected me adversely… and I take a deep breath to release it…. I believe that many parents want to have the illusion of control. That illusion helps us feel safe and enables us to believe we possess the capacity to keep ourselves and our loved ones safe. Trauma researchers Follette and Pistorello (2007) state that when our lives feel out of control, we strive to exert control over our thoughts, feelings, and environment (including the people in our environment!). That control we feel we must exert in order to escape feelings of uncertainty and fear sever only to become the problem! Too much control is detrimental to our relationships – especially to our children. As parents, we need to successfully navigate the delicate balance between keeping our kids safe and street smart while not passing our own issues on to them. Are there times when you have noticed a sudden excessive need for control or order within or around you? Have you ever caught yourself attempting to control those around you with threats or coercion? Have you ever caught yourself attempting to control what those around you are doing, even when it has no impact on you? If so, it might be time to check in on how you are doing. Keeping our kids safe is one of the most important jobs of being a parent. Honouring what is going on for ourselves as parents, is an important step in that process. How can you nurture your need for security, for stability, for a degree of control and so forth, without alienating your children and loved ones? Here are some suggestions:
(Please also feel free to leave your own suggestions as comments to this post!) References: Finding Life Beyond Trauma: Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to Heal from Post-traumatic Stress and Trauma-Related Problems, by Victoria M. Follette and Jacqueline Pistorello (2007) This article was originally posted on October 20, 2010, to Happy Parents = Happy Kids (focusedonparenting.wordpress.com) by Susan Guttridge Think it sounds selfish to nurture yourself? There are tons of great reasons why we should spend at least a small percentage of our time taking care of ourselves. Taking time out to care for yourself will actually sustain you in light of the busy schedules we keep and the fast-paced world we live in. And the best part? What we do to nurture ourselves doesn’t need to take a long time.
If it’s been a long time since you have considered doing something nurturing for yourself, check out this list of potential ideas. Some items on the list might sound great to you, and others might not. Think of the list as a way to get you started on considering what might be nourishing for you. Nurturing yourself is about identifying what your needs are – and taking small steps towards meeting them. What activity might you do that will bring you a sense of calm, or a sense of joy? What will nurture you?
Chances are, if you are reading a blog about mindful parenting, you likely spend a great deal of time caring for others. How about taking a moment each week to treat yourself as kindly as you treat others? After all, you are worth your time! This article was originally posted on October 3, 2010, to Happy Parents = Happy Kids (focusedonparenting.wordpress.com) by Susan Guttridge |
AuthorSusan Guttridge is a trauma-informed Master level Counsellor with the clinical designation of Canadian Certified Counsellor (CCPA). She has 20+ years experience providing individual and group therapy. Archives
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