What’s cooler than seeing your book for sale on a bookstore shelf? Seeing it appear in a movie! Check out this short film by the very talented Director Chris Di Staulo: Lovers to Strangers, on Vimeo Chris’ latest short film brings attention to the concept of love bombing.
New relationships can feel intoxicating at the beginning. You want to spend all your time with the person, getting to know them and enjoying their company. You still live your life as you normally would, while nurturing the new relationship and getting a sense of how this new love interest fits into your world. Healthy romantic relationships have a solid foundation of friendship (respect, trust, and kindness).
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This is my public service announcement about kindness during COVID. Also known as ‘don’t be a dick’. If someone forgets to sanitize their hands when entering a store or enters without donning their mask – a kind reminder is all it takes. And if they can’t don a mask due to medical reasons – please listen with understanding, not judgment or resentment. Seek first to understand.
When we react with anger, it’s like we take the behaviour of others and stab ourselves with it. Then we project our hurt onto them and view them as the villain. No one here is the villain. There is no us against them. We are all in this together. Every single one of us. So please, if you are feeling grumpy, take a moment to care for yourself. If you find you’re feeling angry or impatient when around others, try these super simple tips: Where ever your inner voice of shame originated from, when you hear it rear its ugly head, acknowledge it for what it is (“Oh, hello there Shame”), and anchor into the present moment with a deep breath. What could you say to yourself instead, to start cultivating an attitude of acceptance and compassion?
Not sure how to cultivate an attitude of acceptance? Check out the following list and do one item from it every single day. Or, if you have a strategy that works for you, share it in the comments so that we can all learn from and encourage each other! The image feature in this article is titled The Courage. When you look at it, what qualities do you see? Power, strength, fearlessness, confidence, protectiveness, loyalty? For years I have had artist Lora Zombie’s work in my counselling office. Everyone asks about the art, and for many, the artwork is equally as powerful for them as it is for me. But when The Courage came out (the image featured in this article), I felt the need to share why I find some of Lora’s art so powerful.
When working with trauma in counselling, it is important for individuals to feel emotionally prepared. In EMDR therapy, preparation is done with information sharing and psycho-education, collaboration and transparency, and emotion regulation strategies such as distancing, containment, and resourcing. It is resourcing that I am going to be specifically talking about in this article. There are many therapeutic approaches in counselling psychology. In this article, I'll describe Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). Originally developed by Francine Shapiro for use with post-traumatic stress, EMDR is also used with fears, phobias, addiction, and anxiety. It also works to strengthen feelings of calm and confidence. **Please know that no therapy is one size fits all. There are many layers and approaches in counselling psychology and to the complex experiences people have. This information is intended to introduce you to EMDR therapy to inform your expectations prior to starting counselling. The Body Holds EmotionEMDR is a somatic approach to therapy, which means that in addition to exploring thought processes and emotion, we also explore how the body is holding emotion (referred to as “the felt sense" of emotion). When a traumatic event happens, we humans tend to become flooded with emotion, and our brains don’t process/store the memory properly. What happens is that parts of the event (thoughts, emotions, body sensations, images, smells, etc.) stay unprocessed in the brain. This can cause reminders in day-to-day life to activate those unprocessed memories, making it feel as though the trauma is happening all over again. You know in your cognitive brain that it isn’t – but the felt sense of emotion that spikes up so fast makes it feel like danger is real and present. EMDR works with the memories that are causing the present-day distress and “reprocesses” them. The Elements of EMDRHere is a more in-depth look at what EMDR stands for. The Eye Movement is a type of bilateral stimulation (BLS), a core feature of EMDR. The term ‘bilateral’ refers to two sides: eyes moving back and forth in a rhythmic side-to-side pattern. Thanks to research and new technologies, the bilateral stimulation used during EMDR can be visual (eye movements), auditory (sound), or tactile (touch). Bilateral stimulation ensures that both hemispheres of the brain have an active role in memory processing. Bilateral stimulation refers to a back-and-forth rhythmic movement. In EMDR, it can be facilitated with eye movements, sound, or touch. This bilateral stimulation seems to unlock the nervous system and allows the mind and body to process the experience. Your brain does the healing, and you are in control (Parnell, 2014). The therapist can create visual bilateral stimulation by moving their hand back and forth or with a light bar. A light bar is a bar with a light on either end, which pulses one at a time. Your eyes follow the lights, side to side, in a rhythmic pattern, thus the term “bilateral”. Auditory BLS is facilitated with earbuds, with a sound being played which alternates from one earbud to the other. Tactile BLS can be facilitated by tapping rhythmically from side to side. Therapists often use the Thera-Tapper, a handheld device (one 'tapper' in each hand), which uses a gentle vibration - like the vibration a smartphone makes. Bilateral stimulation is a core feature of EMDR because through repeatedly activating the opposite sides of the brain, it harnesses the power of the Accelerated Information Processing Model and aids in releasing emotions that feel ‘stuck’. It can be said that this process mimics REM sleep: when we are sleeping and in the REM stage, our brains have a chance to process the events of the day. In trauma, we know that memories get stuck – they aren't processed or stored like other memories. By using BLS as part of trauma processing, we help our brains finish processing those distressing events. The troubling images and emotions associated with the disturbing/scary/upsetting event are processed while paired with repeated alternating stimulation (BLS). Doing so enables the memory to begin consolidating, the distressing bits feel less potent, and a more peaceful emotional state is achieved. There is a lot of emotion packed into trauma memories. As you read this, you might be feeling worried that if you start working with a past trauma, the level of emotion it evokes might be too much to handle. Your EMDR Counsellor is trained to help you navigate through the process. So, while working through distressing memories does evoke emotion – we honour that by going slowly, keeping our focus narrow, and building up emotion regulation first. Interesting Facts About BLS
Desensitization means that we’re working with the intensity of emotion felt when recalling a disturbing/scary/upsetting event. Desensitization refers to the process of becoming less and less distressed with the memory of an event that was disturbing/scary/upsetting but that is now over. We cannot undo the past or erase the memory of it, but we can learn to turn down the intensity of emotion felt when recalling it. Reprocessing means that some memories of the disturbing/scary/upsetting event weren’t processed at the time the event occurred. There are many brain systems that are involved during trauma, and many more that are shut down, or suppressed, during the event. This means that the traumatic moment isn’t stored in the brain the way a non-traumatic event is stored. In EMDR, reprocessing means that we work with the memory in a way that enables it to feel over. We work with the memory in a very titrated and strategic way, maintaining awareness of the emotion it evokes, the meaning attached to it, and within the context of your strengths. EMDR in Your Counselling SessionThere are eight stages to the process of EMDR therapy. It begins as many therapies do: building rapport, getting a sense of what brings you in for counselling, and a bit about your history. Knowing your story helps your Counsellor understand your needs in counselling and any troubling symptoms that need immediate attention and helps you both collaboratively create a treatment plan. The next stage shifts into preparation, or resourcing. “Resourcing” is the common name for developing emotional coping skills. It involves developing the tools needed for emotion regulation. This phase involves learning to notice and move through strong, overwhelming emotions as they arise. It’s the part of therapy that works with treating the symptoms (the pounding heart sensation of anxiety, excessive worry cycles based on past experiences, sleep disturbance, etc.).
With the ability to regulate emotion and connect with a degree of internal safety developed, we can begin the next stages of EMDR: Assessment and Desensitization. This is where trauma processing begins. Here, we begin by anchoring with your resources and then move into target selection (which just means you choose what the session focus will be). Because I work with trauma, that often means we want to start out with the first traumatic memory or the worst traumatic memory. Wait! Please don’t stop reading and storm off! I know that can sound frightening, but you will be ready for this stage because of all your hard developing and practising emotional coping skills during the preparation stage. Developing and strengthening emotional coping skills is important, because moving into trauma processing too soon could cause you to feel unsafe and emotionally flooded. My job is to help you be present with emotion without feeling over-powered by it. Learning to turn ‘down the volume’ on some emotions as you need to, and ultimately helping you feel safe with the counselling process is an important first step. When your brain and your body can reconcile trauma as a past event, it means you can anchor into the present moment. You shift out of survival mode and can more accurately attest that you truly are safe now.
Emotional Activation (Feeling Triggered)Have you ever noticed that when something in the present moment reminds you of a trauma you experienced, the emotion that arises feels completely raw and overly excessive to the present situation you are in? That is what unprocessed trauma can feel like. There is an amazing brain system we all have called the limbic system. Its sole job is to keep us alive. Experiencing trauma can keep us popping into that limbic system survival mode way too frequently. Constant survival mode living can leave people feeling emotionally reactive (as though we are constantly in fight, flight, or freeze), and emotionally exhausted. The brain just doesn’t recognize that the trauma is over or that you are safe now. That is why counselling is so important for your overall health and functioning. During processing with BLS, emotion becomes less intense. One of the session goals is to keep reducing activation – getting your SUDS number going down so that you are shifting more and more out of distress. As a result of all that emotional processing, you are able to connect with a positive belief, and we install it with BLS (the next stage in our 8-stage model). Instead of the negative belief you started the session with, such as perhaps “I am not enough”, you now get to decide what positive belief is more preferable, (such as “I am worthwhile”, or “I did the best I could”). We link the positive belief with BLS so that when you think about the past experience, you no longer feel so washed over with thoughts of not being enough–and that old negative belief feels distant. The past event really does feel over and anchored in the past and linked with the positive belief. It can take several sessions to reach this point, and the experience will always evoke a degree of emotion (after all, we can't erase the past from having happened). However, the sadness or fear that arises going forward when the memory is recalled will be less intense and will fit the present situation. Cultivating awareness of how we feel emotion in our body is super important. Trauma can often leave people feeling disconnected from their body. They can get caught up in thoughts, because perhaps it feels safer. However, our body still carries all that tension. Maybe it gets experienced in the form of stomach aches or digestive problems, holding the breath or shallow breathing, muscle tension, or a clenched jaw. This disconnection from the felt sense can become so habitual, that people can stop noticing it. But all that tension and unrecognized dis-ease can cause all kinds of health problems. Containment metaphors might be used during sessions, as well as a body scan. The body scan is a super useful tool to strengthen the positive sensations associated with the positive belief, and for identifying any distress still present. The final stage of the session (but not yet the 8th stage of EMDR), is a debriefing of sorts, where we review strategies for anchoring in the present moment, handling emotion as it comes up, and discussing what to expect after the session in terms of emotions percolating and taking care of self between sessions.
The subsequent session typically starts out with an exploration of anything that came up between sessions, and a re-evaluation of thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and sensations connected with the work from the previous session That’s the eighth stage of EMDR, and then the process continues until individuals feel as though they have worked through the pieces they entered into counselling to address. I hope this summary of what EMDR in a therapy session looks like has been helpful. Remember, while we can not erase traumatic experiences from your memory, with EMDR the brain can reconcile it as a past event. We can lessen the intensity of the emotion the memory evokes, as well as the meaning attached to it. We learn to notice when we are shifting into the limbic system and either act to maintain safety or anchor back into the present moment acknowledging the memory as well as our present moment safety. Remember Compassion for Distracted Minds
One technique that can help with settling down at bedtime is a type of meditation called Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR, for short). Progressive muscle relaxation (PMR) is a relaxation technique that guides and directs focus on one body area at a time, first tensing the muscle and then relaxing it, to promote full-body relaxation (Anxiety Canada; Schwartz & Knipe, 2017).
There are many ways we humans react to situations that feel out of control. Perhaps you have found yourself sleeping more, or indulging in vices more. Some folks jumped at their new-found free-time for home projects, health & fitness, academic supports for their kids, or their own educational/work-related pursuits. Change can stir up anxiety within us, even when the change is good. I have a formula for that:
Uncertainty (lack of information) + perceived inability to prepare = anxiety Did you find yourself leaning into a new project or endeavour? To quote my favourite witty little snowman, “We’re calling this ‘controlling what you can when things feel out of control’.” (Olaf, Frozen 2). Whatever it is that you took on most likely helped anchor you. It gave your attention a focus and your mind a goal, which is a powerful way to settle anxiety during times of uncertainty. So, when things became uncertain and my work hours came to an abrupt halt, I funnelled my energy into a new project. Okay, there was an ulterior motive: my heart ached for all the people who were struggling with the pandemic, who were fearful, or anxious, or feeling isolated and alone. And I wanted to play a small role in brightening someone’s day. So, I took the content from my children’s group (Live Calm Kids) and turned it into a free YouTube series for kids on emotion regulation. We are 6 episodes in, and I have been having so much fun sharing this content with everyone. Check out the links below, and feel free to share them with anyone you think might benefit from it. New videos will be posted each week! Subscribe to the channel on YouTube, and get updates whenever a new video is posted. Find it at: Live Happy Counselling with Susan Guttridge Here are links to each episode:
Download the free summary sheet of here: SummaryofSkills
AcknowledgeThe images, thoughts, memories, and physiological sensations that accompany a flashback can make you feel as though the trauma is happening right now. Acknowledge you are experiencing a flashback with kindness (i.e. “There I go again, this is a flashback”). Although this sounds simple, the natural tendency is often to push intrusive images out of awareness. However, suppression and denial just cause the imagery to come back stronger and more frequently. Acknowledge the flashback, and notice the emotions, thoughts, and physiological sensations that go along with it. Even though I’ve listed using a mantra farther down in this article, often it can be helpful to use it when you acknowledge the flashback, because it helps establish that the trauma has passed – “It’s over”. And, the mantra can be repeated during the next step: slowing and following the breath. BreatheTake a deep, full breath in through your nose – one that you feel right into your abdomen – and exhale through your mouth. When we feel out of control, our breathing also tends to be out of control. The experience of a flashback can cause emotional flooding, and can immediately trigger a change in our breathing: this might look like extremely rapid, shallow breathing, or breath holding. Both of these can lead to a shortness of breath feeling and can cause light-headedness, numbness or tingling in the hands or feet, dizziness, chest pain, and difficulty putting thoughts into words. These symptoms will exacerbate fear and anxiety, and can escalate a person into distress and panic. The breathing pattern itself can even come to trigger anxiety (for those who experience anxiety). In essence, they become caught in a cycle where anxiety brings on shallow breathing, and shallow breathing brings on anxiety. That is why slowing and deepening the breath is the very crucial second step here. Rapid breathing and breath holding can amp the body up into a state of activation – but this capacity also means that we can harness the breath to shift the body into a settled place of calm. It is by slowing and deepening the breath that we learn to help our body out of activation. In fact, it’s one of the fastest ways to shift out of nervous system activation. Try one of these tips if you are new to focusing on your breath:
Anchor With Your SensesYour senses are an excellent way to ground you back into the present moment. Some examples include:
Use a MantraMantras are statements we repeat to ourselves and which can have quite the potential to impact our attention, outlook, and mood. The sound or words of a mantra are simple and don’t demand a lot of effort. A mantra can be said aloud or silently, and is often most powerful when the words have meaning to you. It’s kind of like a tool for attuning your body and mind. A mantra can be used to increase our level of awareness and provide us with strength and focus, and even give us a sense of mental stability. What mantra would you like to try? Above we looked at “It’s over, in this moment I am safe”. Some additional ideas include:
Practice Letting GoThe final step in this coping process is to visualize letting it go. It won’t serve you to think further about the flashback, and may be even more distressing. You have acknowledged it, and by doing so you have recognized that a memory is still distressing. Work through it with a mental health professional. In this moment, practice visualizing letting it go.
To do so, as you exhale, imagine exhaling the whole flashback into a balloon. As you exhale, the balloon inflates. Then you imagine tying it off, keeping the memory safely inside the balloon. Picture extending your arm and releasing the balloon, to be taken away on the wind to be kept safe until you are supported in working through the trauma. Every time the flashback comes back, use this strategy. Inhale deeply, exhale the traumatic memory into the balloon, tie it off, lease it for safe keeping. Thank you for reading, and I hope you find this strategy useful. Focusing awareness using this 5 step anchor can shift thoughts away from flashbacks, racing thoughts, and obsessive thinking, and can bring awareness back into the present moment. For more tips on shifting out of a flashback, check out Calm in the Storm: A Collection of Simple Strategies You Can Use Right Now to Shift Out of Anxiety Ana Gomez is a child therapist and an EMDR practitioner extraordinaire. With all the changes and stress we have all been trying to come to terms with, Ana wrote a book that can help us explain the virus to children.
Ana is offering the pdf version of the book for free, because she is an amazing human! If you need help explaining what is going on in the world right now to the children in your life, please use this free resource. Ana invites you to share it with anyone you might know that would benefit for it. Thank you Ana! Click this link to access the pdf: AnaGomez_OysterandtheButterflyMar312020 Click this link to access the Spanish Version: AnaGomez_OysterandtheButterfly_Spanish Click this link for a narrated Version on YouTube Rarely do we truly have control. But, the illusion that we do sustains us in our daily life. It gives us a sense of the world around us as a predictable place. Right now as our world is battles with the COVID-19 virus, we don’t have that sense of predictability. And that can leave many folks worried, fearful, and desperate. I’d like to offer a few simple ideas for you to consider bringing into your daily life. In the face of uncertainty, these mindfulness-based tools can assist you in returning to the present moment. Please know that these ideas are not ‘one size fits all’. Take what works for you, adapt it, or grow it to make it more suitable to your daily life. Start your day with a Reflection: Take a quiet moment before the action of your day amps up. Listen to meditation on your smart phone, or just draw your attention inward and ask yourself what you need to stay well this day. Then, set your intention for the day. Setting an intention can just foster an area of focus for the day. For example, it could be “Today I will be present and kind”. It creates an anchor for you to return to throughout the day. Writing down the intention and placing it somewhere you will see it throughout your day can help ensure your bring your attention back to it as needed. Get out of Bed and Get Dressed: If you are isolated or in quarantine at this time, and your daily life has been interrupted (you are no longer going to work, to school, etc.), please still get up and get dressed. Maintain your morning hygiene routine, or start the one you’ve always wanted and never had time for. Your mental health with benefit from the day being bookended with getting up and getting dressed in the morning, and washing up and putting on pyjamas at the end of the day. Daily Goal Setting: Regardless of your living situation, set 3 small, achievable goals for each day. These goals can range from “I will get out of bed at 8am and take a shower this morning”, to “I will sit on the floor and play a game with my child today”. Set 3 small goals every morning, and take a moment to reflect on them each evening. Achieving the small daily goals will build self-esteem and integrity with yourself, because you accomplished that which you intended to accomplish. Go Outside: If you are socially distancing or in quarantine, take a few moments to go outside. You don’t have to be in a public place to be outside. Take a short walk or even just sit outside. The change of scenery will help bolster your mood. Connect with Love: if you are living with children or have a spouse, make sure to connect with them with love each day. These are uncertain times for them as well, and they are likely also feeling fearful and/or worried. Try speaking their love language at least twice a day. If you aren’t familiar with the concept of love languages, check out: https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/ Don’t Stop Connecting: If you live alone, please maintain your social connections. Call, text, or e-mail with at least one person a day. Do not go this alone. |
AuthorSusan Guttridge is a trauma-informed Master level Counsellor with the clinical designation of Canadian Certified Counsellor (CCPA). She has 20+ years experience providing individual and group therapy. Archives
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