SUSAN GUTTRIDGE, BC MC, CCC
  • Home
  • Susan Guttridge
  • Services
  • Courses
  • The Book
  • Contact
  • Calm Unfolding
  • First Responder Network

Calm Unfolding

A Blog by Susan Guttridge, EMDR Certified Therapist

Swapping out Trigger Thoughts for Coping Thoughts

1/24/2011

0 Comments

 
Picture
This morning I was running late for work. Last night, rather than tidying and preparing lunches for school, I was tired. I decided to put my feet up: I watched tv, and I chatted with my husband. Shirking the evening household responsibilities felt great! But as a result, this morning I was running late. My morning agenda read: get ready, get kids ready, get lunches ready, drive kids to school, drive self to work. However, my six year old daughter had a different agenda. Despite the many times I informed her that I was running late and that we needed to get out the door, she dawdled.

The reality is, I was frustrated with myself for not being prepared for the morning – and sadly I found myself directing this frustration at my daughter. As I saw myself nagging ineffectively, I noticed my inner dialog also changing: “Why can’t she just help me with this? She is so disrespectful…”. Funny thing about such negative, labeling comments – they seem to always intensify angry feelings.

Researchers McKay and Fanning (1996), call these ‘trigger thoughts’ because the thoughts tend to trigger in us negative emotions. When parents are stressed, thinking thoughts that serve to magnify, label, and assume intent distort the situation – these thoughts make the situation seem worse than it is, and make your child’s behaviour seem deliberate and bad.
Trigger thoughts lead parents to forget the real reasons behind their child’s behaviour (such as developmental level, reinforcement history, needs, temperament, and so forth). And, as the trigger thoughts spiral us into anger, we are left feeling helpless. Once we cool down and the situation is over, we are still left with an unresolved issue and have now lost an opportunity to problem solve with our child(ren).

Trigger thoughts also have a negative impact on our kids. When our anger prevents us from seeing a situation clearly and acknowledging  underlying causes of behaviour, we send negative messages to our children. These messages can lead kids to see themselves as bad, to grow less cooperative with us, and to become alienated from us and angry. The impact of chronic anger on our children sure is worth our attention in changing our patterns when under stress!

McKay and Fanning, in their 1996 research study, found that parents with low levels of anger tended to use more positive coping statements (in place of trigger thoughts). The seven coping thoughts that seemed most effective were as follows:
  1. It’s just a stage. Kids have to go through these stages
  2. This is natural for his/her age
  3. Don’t take it seriously/personally. Keep a sense of humour
  4. This is just natural (age-appropriate) impulsiveness
  5. He/She isn’t really trying to do this to me. It’s just how he/she is coping right now
  6. He/She can’t help (crying, being angry, interrupting, needing attention, etc.)
  7. Just get through it. You can cope. You don’t have to get angry

These are such fantastic coping statements and parents so often forget to use them. If you need assistance in remembering to use the positive coping statements, you could post them on your wall, or use the sticky dot technique! If these coping strategies don’t fit for your situation, spend some time creating your own. The more the coping statements are unique to your life, the more likely you are to remember to think them in the pace of trigger thoughts.

Most importantly, start becoming aware of how you feel anger in your body. Then, when you feel that sensation, check in with what is going on for you at that moment. What are you saying to yourself about the situation? Are you labeling your child in a detrimental way? Is that problem suddenly feeling magnified? Are you assuming some unruly motive to your child? If so, you are most likely using a triggering thought. Swap it out with a coping statement– and believe the coping statement.

Our children really aren’t out to get us! They are just navigating their way through some significant developmental milestones and often feeling helpless, powerless, frustrated, anger, etc. at the process!

Reference:
McKay, M., & Fanning, P. (1996). When anger hurts your kids: A parent’s guide. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

This article was originally posted on January 24, 2011, to Happy Parents = Happy Kids (focusedonparenting.wordpress.com) by Susan Guttridge
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Author

    Susan Guttridge is a trauma-informed Master level Counsellor with the clinical designation of Canadian Certified Counsellor (CCPA). She has 20+ years experience providing individual and group therapy. 

    This blog is dedicated to all the incredibly courageous people who work towards self-awareness, growth, and healing in their daily lives.


    “As human beings, we are not problems waiting to be solved, but potential waiting to unfold”

    Archives

    February 2025
    December 2024
    January 2024
    November 2023
    October 2023
    March 2023
    January 2023
    April 2022
    January 2022
    July 2021
    March 2021
    November 2020
    October 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    November 2019
    October 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    April 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    June 2018
    April 2017
    September 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    May 2014
    April 2014
    February 2014
    September 2013
    March 2013
    January 2013
    September 2012
    July 2012
    April 2011
    January 2011
    November 2010
    October 2010

    Categories

    All
    Emotion Regulation
    Mindfulness
    Mindful Parenting
    Process Of Therapy

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly
  • Home
  • Susan Guttridge
  • Services
  • Courses
  • The Book
  • Contact
  • Calm Unfolding
  • First Responder Network